sábado, 10 de abril de 2010

Médico e Monstro?

* por M. D. Amado

Meu nome é Carlos Rodrigo Demóstenes Tertuliano Tepes e sou um vampiro. Mas não sou um vampiro comum, se é que podemos chamar aquelas coisinhas frufruquinhas, de comuns. Não sou elegante, não sou sedutor e nem afeminado. Bonito também não sou, porque isso é coisa de menininha. Eu sou é macho. Muito macho. Inclusive, eu trabalho o dia todo com uma cruz.

Meu rosto se parece mais com daqueles cachorrinhos superdesenvolvidos e por muitas vezes sou confundido com eles, por causa da sobrancelha emendada, que se parece mais com uma taturana gigante, pousada sobre olhos negros e foscos.

Não tenho o costume de atacar a noite. Gosto do dia. Gosto de queimar a pele no Sol e pegar câncer. Não sou branquinho. Tenho a pele curtida e bruta. Nada de creminhos e filtro solar. Eu uso graxa. Outra particularidade de minha pessoa, é que mantenho uma estratégia de ataque que me permite minutos depois, devolver minhas vítimas para suas vidinhas medíocres. Com a velocidade de um super-herói idiota qualquer, consigo atacá-las no cruzamento que fica cerca de cem metros de minha casa. Sou tão rápido, que mesmo à luz do dia, ninguém é capaz de me ver. Após os ataques, na maioria das vezes, poucos minutos depois, ouço as batidas na porta. Alguém pedindo ajuda. E quem vai ajudá-los, já que não existe o Chapolin Colorado? Eu. Irônico, não?

Minutos antes eram minhas vítimas e agora as pego em meus braços. Deito-as no chão frio e começo os procedimentos que lhe colocarão de volta ao seu destino tosco e sem graça. Como médico e monstro, me faço de inocente e converso trivialidades com seus acompanhantes. O jogo do Atrético ou do Framengo... Do Curíntia ou do Inter. Não importa. Enquanto mergulho minhas ex-vítimas numa banheira com aquilo que chamo de água mágica, num banho de redenção e revelações, sorrio ironicamente já pensando no próximo otário.

Tudo pronto. Vítima recuperada, recebo por isso e ofereço um café que ninguém quer tomar. Vejo mais um indo embora...

Não sei se falei, mas eu não chupo sangue. Preciso de ar. Meu nome é Carlão e sou um vampiro borracheiro.

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